Words of Wisdom, Part I

We're asking parents who have adopted older children to share their insights, their tips and tricks, survival skills, etc. Our parents have provided a variety of responses, what we call "Words of Wisdom". We will post a few at a time for you to read and contemplate. We hope you'll enjoy these Words of Wisdom.

Words of Wisdom I
Off the top of my head, the best words of wisdom I can think of came from Susan Song (ASIA staff in China). It was about not letting the shopkeepers on Shamian Island embarrass or question an older child too much. Susan said that had bothered some older kids from previous adoptions.

Susan also said try to go with the flow as much as possible with older kids, and try not to deny them things that they may want within reason. After all, the child is really exploring a whole new world in a way, even while still in China. I pretty much let my child do what she wanted as long as it was safe even if I didn't especially agree/like it. For instance, Chinese TV is generally very violent (we think so anyway) and she just loved watching all those violent Chinese soap operas. She appreciated that I did that, even though when we lived in China we never allowed our kids to watch them. If we went shopping and I could afford what she wanted, I wouldn't fuss about it even if it wouldn't have been my choice. Maybe the key is realizing that an older child wasn't born the day of adoption, and has her OWN interests and desires that may or may not be exactly what the adoptive family promotes. There's time for the child to learn the family values and such later.

Words of Wisdom II
I was adopted as an older child and would like to offer a bit of advice from my own experience. As an older child I had so many ways I already saw the world from what I knew it to be through my previous experiences. It would have been tremendously healing and helpful in my adjustment to my new family for my adoptive parents to have respected my worldview and shown patience as I changed everything about my life to fit into their world. The change was much more difficult than they ever understood. I longed to please them.

Words of Wisdom III
Here are some things I have learned after having adopted three times from China:

1) Every child needs a family.

2) Not every child wants a family.

3) Just because a child wants a family doesn't mean they know how to be part of one. For some children their only adult relationships have been with teachers and/or SWI workers. They've never been invited to a friend's house and witnessed the interaction between parent and child. They don't know how to interact with adults, including their new parents. They don't have a realistic vision of what 'family' is. Many times their only vision is fantasy. A fantasy that their new parents can never live up to.

4) For some children the adults in their lives were only people to be avoided or pacified or manipulated for the child's survival. They enter their new family only knowing these survival skills.

5) Not all Social Welfare Institutes are highly structured institutions where the children are closely supervised and follow a regimented routine.

6) Years of SWI living and the survival skills and habits learned in them take time to unlearn, lots of time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Old habits need to be replaced with new ones. Wrong information needs to be replaced with correct information, etc.

7) Some adopted older children may mistake their new parents' signs of love and affection as a weakness. These children need to be drawn into a loving relationship with their new parents slowly. At first, they need to know we are firm, but not unkind. As the child learns to adjust to this new atmosphere and relationship, privileges and outward indications of love can be added to the relationship slowly.

8) Children in China are not necessarily taught to respect adults.

9) Just because a parent longs for a child, completes mountains of paperwork to adopt a child, waits anxiously for their child, spends months dreaming and imagining what life with this child will be like does not guarantee that the parent will love the child. Or like the child.

10) Love is a commitment. The emotional attachment, in some cases, takes time. Wanting to love a child does not guarantee that you will fall in love with, or even like your child right away. And that's okay.

11) A parent struggling with a new child does not, under any circumstances, want to hear "it will take time" or "it must be a difficult time for the child" even if it is true!

12) No matter how experienced a parent is, each adoption, like each child is different and presents its own problems (and joys). Support is so very important. When a parent can not get that support from the people in their lives, their Internet friends' support can mean so much. When a parent turns to that Internet support they need to know they will not be condemned, ridiculed, put down or thought less of or referred to immediate therapy. It is hard enough to admit to having struggles without the fear of yet more rejection, especially from those in the adoption community who have Been There and Done That (BTDT).

13) Adopted children, for a while, can not be expected to react like children of the same age born into a family. With time they will blend in and interact and react just like their peers, but for a while they won't. I had a friend whose newly adopted daughter was having trouble sleeping at night and all the advice she was given by non-adoptive parents was "she is old enough to be sleeping through the night, just let her cry herself back to sleep". This obviously would have been a terrible idea for the newly adopted child. Likewise with kids adopted at an older age. A child adopted into a family probably won't run to his/her mother for love and nurturing like a child born into the family. There is a good chance they have never had anyone to depend on or run to. It will take time for them to trust, to understand and to accept love and nurturing.

Words of Wisdom

In honor of our new Hope's Journey program, we are collecting "Words of Wisdom" from parents who have adopted older children from China. We have received such a tremendous response to requests for pictures, that we would like to go a little further with it. These "Words of Wisdom" can be anything you learned along the way that you felt was valuable, anything you wish you had known or things you think other parents should know before they adopt an older child. Please send your responses to: marcisk@asiadopt.org ASIA would like to post the responses on this blog, so please be sure to write whether you give permission for us to post your words. They can be anonymous, or not. That will be up to the responder. Please keep your responses to a paragraph or less, if possible. Adopting older children may not be for everyone, so we would like to make sure that those who do it are prepared. Thanks so much for your support of ASIA and the waiting children.

P.S. We will try to make our completed presentation available to those who have contributed and would like copies.

PERSPECTIVE FROM AN OLDER ADOPTEE

(About a year ago, ASIA had the privilege of placing Honour with her family just prior to her 14th birthday. A year later she is now speaking fluent English, playing piano, participating in Chinese dance and adding much happiness to her new family. Honour and her family are stupendous advocates for older child adoption. We hope her letter will inspire you to adopt an older child.)

Dear Friend,

My name is Honour Grace. I came from China in August 2008, when I was almost 14 years old. I would like to tell you my story because I heard you might to be adopted by a foreign family soon.

When I got adopted, my Mom showed me a beautiful song called “She’s a Butterfly.” A few times when I lived in China, I felt like a butterfly but most times I felt like I was in a cocoon. In America, I always feel like a butterfly. Now I can feel my true colors, who I am, what I like, what I can do, where I can go. I can feel my heart.

My first day in America was good and easy. I landed at the local airport with Mom and my sister Haley. At the airport, I met Grandpa and my other new sisters. I felt happy – and different. A good different. I was starting a new life with all these people. It was cool. When we got to the house, I saw my Grandma. I liked her a lot at first sight. Everyone was so excited about me! They wanted to show me my room first thing. When I got there, I saw lots of pink. But I like blue. It was ok – they didn’t know. You got to give your new family some grace. I remember many presents. I was so happy. Then we went to eat dinner at the Lotus Garden. The aunties had taken me to eat lunch before I left them – they said I should eat a lot because maybe I wouldn’t get Chinese food in America. So I thought America didn’t have any Chinese restaurants. I was glad to find out it does! (I also thought I wouldn’t know Chinese people here – but we are surrounded by Chinese friends!)

Back to food. I often say “there is no such thing as AMERICAN food.” American food is food from lots of different places because America is people from lots of different places. Where we live, Mexican food is very popular. We often eat Italian food because Grandpa’s family came from Italy. Americans eat a lot of cheese and pizza. The first time I ate cheese in America, I liked it. But they eat cheese with almost everything – even sandwiches – and sometimes just plain cheese. So now I do not like cheese much. We often cook Chinese food, but we cannot always get exactly the same stuff at the Chinese market here that you can find in China. My parents like me to pick out things I like from the Chinese market. Chinese food in America doesn’t taste the same as it does in China. Maybe you want to eat a lot of Chinese food before you come so you can remember it.

HOW Americans eat is different too, and it seems important to everyone here. It has been a little hard for me to learn American table manners. Be quiet when you eat. They put food in the middle of the table too, but when you want a different food, you ask someone to pass it. Remember to say “please” and “thank you” lots more than you do in China. I’m still learning this! Our family eats with what they call “silverware” and chopsticks but I think most families don’t use chopsticks.

If you learn some basic English when you are in China, things will be easier for you and your family. You don’t have to be scared to learn English. Sometimes it is fun; sometimes it is a little hard. My parents bought me an electronic translator when I was adopted but I didn’t want to use it then. Now I use it when I can’t think of the right word. Mom always says English is crazy, so we try to make it fun. My parents are good sports – they are always trying to learn more Chinese. I like teaching my Dad because he surprises me with how much Chinese he knows already. A computer program called Rosetta Stone helped me learn English a lot but it was kind of boring. I like learning English by playing games, and by listening to inspiring American music and DVDs.

I also like to stay up late talking with Mom and Dad. They want to know everything about my life. They ask me many questions about my life in China. It makes me happy to share because they really care about me, and it helps them understand my heart more. I like it because they know that my new life in America was not the start of my life. They respect the life I had when I was in China though my problems there makes their hearts hurt. They wanted to look at every picture I had – when I was ready to share with them. They wanted to know all about my friends. I liked that they let me burst out of the cocoon in my time.

Maybe it will be hard for you to call your parents “Mom” and “Dad.” It took me a couple of months to do that. One of my sisters kept trying to get me to say that, but my parents never made me. They said I could do it when I was ready. I liked that. I love having a family because someone cares about you forever. You have a name forever. Someone to go to my graduation, my wedding. Your children will have grandparents. I love having a family. But that doesn’t mean you can get and do anything you want. A family loves you so much sometimes they say no because that is the best thing for you. They will try to tell you why this isn’t good if they have to say no. They pay attention to what you really need. That makes me feel so safe and loved.

Being in your own family and being in an orphanage family is different because your very own family is with you forever. You are with them forever too! You can’t run away or leave, and neither can they. At the orphanage, you can try to just forget the problems with people there and hope they go away. In a family, if you are mad with someone, you can’t just avoid them. You have to talk it out and solve the problem so you can keep living in love. The best thing is when you are sad, there are people who will help you and listen to you and hug you. You don’t have to ever be sad by yourself. The orphanage people can help you grow, go to school, get food, but they cannot stay with your forever. Maybe the auntie will get married or retire. Someday you have to leave the orphanage by yourself. Maybe you will be all alone then. But having a real family of your very own is always better than staying in the orphanage. You will never be alone then. A family is a treasure, take good care of the gift. If you open up your heart, it will be easy.

The last thing I want to share with you is about making friends. In America, the first people I knew were my parents, and then I saw my sisters. And later I made friends in America. Some days, I wanted to make friends first. Though I did call China a few times, and a few of friends from China who now lived in America, I missed my friends still in China and that made me sad. A lot of people told me “don’t worry.” I had to learn “family first” and then make friends. After a year, I think that was a good thing. Because I learned how to be part of the family first, that made it easier for me to make true friends in America. I am no longer sad, even though I think lots of my friends in China have moved on. If you get lonely in America, talk to your family. They want to know what’s in your heart. They will love you from the inside out.

It is very nice to get to share my story with you. I hope you have fun with your new family. I hope you get to open your heart wings and fly like a butterfly very soon!

Wishing you happiness and health, Honour Grace